The other side...

Narcissism and psychopathy are disorders I'm not only familiar with, but through controlled exposure arranged during my upbringing without my knowledge, I was not introduced to any empathic individuals. Thus, I grew up in an environment that was solely disordered. I "came to" very late in life, and that was because of the Stockholm Syndrome-style trust I had in those with the disorder and the adaptations I had made in mentality and behaviour in order to cope.

As I have learned so much about the nature of these disorders and what impact it had on my and my decisions, which ultimately led to more dangerous people, I would like to share with you what had been hidden from me as a result of the games. I now do not have any disordered individuals in my life.

What was missing?

As a consequence of being around psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists, you will live without noticing what you are not getting, simply because they don't tell you or they don't notice it due to being totally obsessed with their goals. To them, you are a foreign object who at times gives them what they want and at times doesn't. To ensure you do, they will create a life that is missing many things you will later be horrified by. Here is what I discovered I had decided to "go without."

1. What I want for myself

This will be a list you might feel guilty about making as the impact of narcissistic and other disordered relationships has placed a currency and condition on what should be free. That is, a loving person supports your individuality and dreams without playing victim or asking anything in return. If you are like me, the false panic attacks, crying, tantrums and many kinds of put downs that come from a disordered person when you are making yourself happy, inevitably causes you to avoid doing things that cause the screaming or violence or any other abuse. The key to open the door to your solutions, is to recognise that person is really not in genuine pain. They are totally fine without you, and in fact the relationship you are fighting for doesn't even exist. So now:

Make your list. What do you want out of life? Don't hold back, and don't tell yourself that anything should be out of reach because these people treated you as though you are worthless. Become a taker, and learn to take with entitlement like them. This doesn't mean hurting others, it means living as you deserve to live. If little thoughts come such as "I'm no good, what's the point," remember that all victims like us get them, and that was perhaps a thought that helped you behave in a way that saved you around the disordered person. They are gone now and their machinations do not matter.

2. Human rights

Safety, shelter, food, warmth, freedom, honesty, protection should all be free. If anyone disordered has put a value on these and made you jump for them, or made you feel guilty for having them, they are abusing you. The key is to realise that you have always been the most responsible adult when you around this person or these people. Your conscience and values make you the best person to take care of yourself. These people cannot give freely and convinced you to live a reality where your rights were not respected. 

3. Consistency

Reality changes so frequently for the disordered person because they are so distanced from feeling what is really going on, they respond to changes in their external environment to create a particular story they happen to need at the time. So if their ego or sense of power is suffering, you might either be celebrated so that your achievements or status can be incorporated into their sense of self, or abused so their inner sense of power can be restored. That meter is continually going up and down and they proclaim not to be able to control it. Thus, you unwittingly are hit with random behaviour and comments that do not fit the situation. My tactic has always been to stare at them and wait it out, to challenge the statements calmly or to ask them questions that make them reflect on why they are doing what they are doing. Then when reaching a compromise, nodding and carrying on. It doesn't always work, but it does most of the time.

4. Information

You may reach a point like me with how much you have accepted about what you did together without asking more questions or looking to the wider world. They want you to have tunnel vision in order to do what they need to feel OK. This of course means they are complete failures at being caretakers. You need to read newspapers and have a social life, be aware of geography, services, sources of your own needs. The disordered person creates the impression that they are source of all of your needs so you won't go elsewhere to meet them. This is the key to them succeeding in isolating you.

You will also not be kept privy to their lives. They are having affairs, cheating, stealing, avoiding work and doing many things you cannot imagine and they will never give a trace or sign that this has happened. You therefore, do not truly know the person you are with. Inform yourself about the disorder, and how to get help.

5. Accountability 

I will shorten this to summarise the behaviour as completely unreliable and untruthful. The impact for you is taking too much responsibility, feeling exhausted and guilty, and if their humiliation works, feeling embarrassed about it. If you have been hurt, they will call you "too sensitive" or controlling. Anything, I repeat anything, will be said to blind you to their behaviour. That is, they do not love you, they do not care for you, and they have no right to be in your life.

6. Freedom

They watch you like a hawk and none if it is because they care. Not one minute spent in their company reflects a caring individual. The staring and constant questions mean one thing - "are you still buying my lies?"

You might have changed your behaviour by not attending certain events, keeping your routines to within a very small physical space (disordered people do this to control you but also to depress you, weaken you, and make you forget what else might be possible other than what you are living), not talking to certain people and taking on certain beliefs about life to fit what you are living. Your captors want to demonstrate to you "you are only safe with me." In fact, you are only safe far away from them with no contact and no sharing of anything at all. 

7. Good role models

Narcissists and sociopaths and psychopaths attain status and trust through demonstration. They know that they are more believable and trustworthy by acting the part well. This is particularly disastrous for the victim when it comes to coming out with the truth. Punishment and proving bad behaviour requires evidence. Be careful that all of these people will hide evidence of what they do. However, they will insist they are and are still acting in roles of leadership or in the family as the good role model. In addition, because they know you are watching them to be an example, they will literally act out their desired victim. That is, they will role play someone who would be good prey, and demonstrate this to you as "good". You then associate good behaviour with being easy to manipulate and forget good judgment. This one of the most powerful and devastating tactics of all. "I will show you how to be prey, because I know you are trusting me to take care of you." Throw away the books!

You need to allow yourself to acknowledge you didn't have someone to learn from who acted normally. That should earn you a lot of compassion. Not just now, but for the rest of your life. You survived war with no help and no example. Sometimes arguing to change the narcissist feels like relieving the burden you are carrying of acting as a good person. However, they have messed up. They decided life was too hard and not worth being a good person for. They are either incapable or do not want to heal. This means they cheated you of what you deserve and you adjusted inappropriately to cope with it.

If you are still anxious, depressed or panicked after leaving the disordered indiviual, I recommend the following exercise:

Take a book or computer to a cafe or other busy area where you can feel safe. If you want, wear sunglasses. Take your time and breathe deeply. Observe people.

What do you notice? Are they walking quickly and looking like they are hiding something? Do they look kind and generous when speaking to others? Do you notice a couple or parent who seems to genuinely be interested in who they are with, or are their eyes wandering like an opportunist? They best recovery is to reacquaint yourself with discernment. 

I remember having this as a child and it was switched off through comments such as "you're mean to point that out" or "don't speak back to me". My judgment was meddled with and I doubted my observations as cruel. In fact, the disordered people wanted to direct my judgment to keep me as a supply.

Awareness of right and wrong

It's quite simple - we can live in many ways, but we do not have the right to hurt others. 

The grand word, "No".

The disordered take away your right to say no. They intend on using guilt, fear, feigned hurt, anything, to stop you asserting your rights and creating boundaries. You learn to give before being asked so they will leave you the hell alone. You have the right say no to anyone, and anything, any time you please. That is your human right and I urge you to now use this with glee. If someone asks you for information and you don't want to give it, don't. If you have images of their angry, judgmental or insulted faces in your mind as you do, remember that old period of your life is over. Your life belongs to you.

You are also not required to jump when anyone says jump just for their gratification. A disordered boss will often try this, as well as barking your name in a derogatory manner so as to assert power over you. Put your headphones on and react as though they are inappropriate, and you can say so. Record it using the "ISaidWhat?!" smartphone app and document each time. If they use the excuse saying they are tired or stressed, say "so am I, and I manage to speak properly."

Awareness of how to act the age you are

New, non-disordered friends can help you release a bit of the stress of having to play president and God from the age of three years old. In romantic relationships, you may have acted more immaturely or forgotten your values to go along with the partner.

This also means distorted sense of responsibility. I would say most victims need to relax. They have been carrying the world on their shoulders and need to experiment with not carrying that huge load.

Life skills

How do I get what I need, and where from? What can I realistically expect from life, and what do I have to create myself? These are new skills to learn and once you master the habit of finding information and meeting your needs without considering the disordered person as someone who has your back, you will notice how capable you are and how little you really do need them. One thing that makes us stay is the fear of loneliness. It isn't bad to be with yourself! It is quite easy to put one foot in front of the other and survive!

They wanted you to think that you couldn't do anything without them. Start small, and notice how making decisions are within your power and make them confidently. Ask for as much information as you like and if someone makes you feel as though you're causing them trouble by asking questions, they are best left alone. Nobody has the right to hoodwink you and it's normal to ask for information before making big decisions. "Trust me" is a disrespectful statement that nobody has the right to make to you if you are not informed or do not feel comfortable. Walk away and feel proud.

The ability to have an experience on your terms, and see it as you see it

I noticed after a holiday that my experience and opinions of that holiday were discounted and so I didn't even get to have it on my terms. This robbed me of joy and my identity because I did not see and appreciate things as I normally would. My reality was sacrificed for the disordered person's. This is common in so many disordered relationships, through gaslighting, through the way they live (which is not at all how you live) and constant lying to you.

Sometimes it is very nice to be alone and experience things on your terms. Remember that some therapists are also disordered and if you feel your version of events or feelings are being doubted or dismissed, leave - they will only cause more harm.

This is a list of a few insights. I hope you find it helpful. I will write more as I learn to live in the world my way.